Partnering Well

Following my divorce in medical school, I told myself I would never get married again. Yet, within a few years, I fell in love with my current husband, Chris. When I left my first marriage, I developed a long list of things I would not tolerate in a relationship. While I didn't have the word boundaries in my vocabulary, effectively, I had developed essential boundaries that would keep me safe and healthy in future relationships.

Chris is not perfect. Sometimes, when looking for a partner, we can get caught up in finding the ideal person. The key to our marriage has been growing. We are far from the same people that we were when we met. We navigate each other's changing interests and needs.

The Gottmans are two married relationship experts who discuss the four horsemen of divorce: contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. As a leftover from my previous relationship, early on in our marriage, sometimes I would have outbursts and yell. One such argument happened after I thought Chris had mistakenly thrown out a bag of items from our move. Inside the bag was a snow globe with a caduceus, the symbol for medicine. I have had this snow globe as a totem since I was a little girl, an item I looked to inspire me to be a doctor. I would wind up the music and listen to it periodically, especially during moments of strife. During the haste of moving, I wrapped it up and placed it in a garbage bag. For the record, I don't recommend putting non-trash in trash bags- you're setting yourself up for failure!

I had a full-on meltdown. The fatigue of moving fueled it, but it certainly was no excuse. Until then, Chris usually took my outbursts, generally chalking up to fatigue or the stress of doctoring. This time was different; he firmly and loudly said, "You can't talk to me like this anymore."

I was incensed! I can't talk to him like this, what? He's the one who threw out my cherished possession. Then I paused. He was asserting himself in an act to protect our relationship. This boundary he was laying down was not an act of contempt; it was the exact opposite. It was because he wanted to stay married to me that he said that I had to grow. When frustrated, I had to learn how to express myself (or step away momentarily).

Looking back on my childhood, I didn't have a ton of modeling on different ways to express myself when sad, frustrated, or angry. It took time (and therapy) to feel my feelings and learn how to respond and not react. I had to learn to understand my body's warning signals. On that particular day, I was physically exhausted, and typical for me, I was trying to push through unpacking everything in record time to have all the items back to looking perfect in my house (an example of object perfectionism, which manifests as wanting things around us to be perfect).

Chris is an engineer, and as of now, I do make more money than him. After the experience with my ex-husband ("What does it matter, you're going to be a doctor anyway?"), I wondered whether Chris was attracted to me or the idea of being married to a doctor. When working long hours, I would say comments like, "You'd be better off with someone with a better schedule. You shouldn't be with me; look how much time you have to be alone while I work." Finally, one day, he said, "You have to stop saying that. I want to be with you. If you keep saying that, it will end us."

In retrospect, I was scared of getting hurt. My insecurity manifested as these attempts to "test" Chris with these phrases. He wasn't playing along. He set down another boundary that helped our relationship.

While perhaps not true for all relationships, for me and Chris, having a lot of overlap in our personalities and interests helps tremendously. We are both intense people, voracious readers, fast-paced and enjoy challenges. We also have similar aesthetic taste, which makes tailoring our home and selecting cars much more effortless.

Anyone who looks at my husband will think he is a "man's man." He is tall, strong, and athletic. He is also very comfortable in his masculinity and doesn't shy away from what has been typically associated with "women's work" in our society. He cooks, bakes, and loves decorating our house for various holidays. His podcasts and reading list include books on women's experiences, strengthening our bond and his capacity to understand my experience as a woman in medicine and our society.

Another lesson I've learned is that you can love someone and not like them. I loved my first husband. I've loved a few other men; sometimes, that wasn't enough. I genuinely like Chris. He's fun to hang out with. I love talking to him on the phone; he is my favorite companion on trips. Life is truly better with him.

I've been out of the dating game a long time. My only advice is that if you're hustling for love, you better hustle right on out of that relationship. Chris and I never played games. It was never the will he, won't he, call me, text me back dynamic. Even thinking back to the days that happened in other relationships makes my stomach turn. I always felt like we were on equal footing and that I wasn't waiting to be picked or selected, but rather a mutual understanding that we both liked and respected each other and later loved each other.

A common phrase in our culture is that marriage takes work. Chris and I sheepishly smile at each other when someone utters these words. We're going on eleven years married, thirteen years together, and there's never been a day that's felt like work. I appreciate that some marriages require more work than others, but the work shouldn't involve you contorting to be another version of yourself. We can all grow, but make sure that growth is along the heartline, to your true essence.

Chris and me in France, October of 2022 celebrating our tenth anniversary

This article includes passages from my upcoming book, Revitalized: A Guidebook to Rediscovering Your Heartline while Doctoring. Join the list to stay updated on the book’s publishing timeline.